Not all that wander are lost

bloom where you are planted

2005-05-27T04:38:52Z

oh man i just got home from a crazy day. i went to this dinner to celebrate this woman getting her doctorate w/ sam. it was someone he worked w/ and for some reason it was important to him that i went... so i did. i'm always so bad w/ those kinds of things. all of his coworkers talking about work gossip and i'm sitting there like a tired kid dragged out for the adults night out b/c no one could find a babysitter for me. haha. i'm glad i went tho, it gives me a better idea of sam and his life. it was also kind of inspirational. everyone got up and said such beautiful things about her and told stories about what a great person she is. i aspire to have people say such things about me one day... even if its bullshit. lol. i really do want to live a good life, a beautiful life. one thing someone said really struck a cord and that was that the most valuable thing you can give someone is your time. its really tru too. like i don't remember half of the things i got at my graduation party and from who but i remember who was there. i remember the smiles and the hugs and kisses on my cheek. i want to be someone thats there for other people and i think i am... i hope all of my friends would say that about me. afterward i went to see davids band play bc he said they got a gig in elmwood park which is like a town over from where sam lives. i haven't seen him in like the longest time and it was so good to see him and hear his band play and i think he appreciated that i came. even tho i was like literally the only one who showed it was an awsum show. thats the sort of thing i mean tho when i talk about giving people ur time. nothing i could give david would really mean anything... but to go out and see him and support him shows that i really care. roehid showed up just as the set was ending which kind of sucked but it was good to see him too. its been such a mad long time. we just had a beer and caught up and headed home b/c i have work in the morning. its so good to see familiar faces tho. everyone talks about how much they hate jersey and i'm so sick of it. we all kno jersey sux we all kno this small town is getting smaller by the minute but life is good life is beautiful and this is our home. tell me whats good, tell me what you do, tell me what you love tell me why you stay in this small town. i want to travel and get out too but i cant get out yet and neither can you but in the meanwhile lets DO SOMETHIN'. our lives are ahead of us. we're babies really, just begining. its intimidating sometimes to think about how open ended everything is but i'm so fortunate and all of us are who should be so privliged. we could do anything with our lives ANYTHING.

delerious ramblings

2005-05-25T02:13:24Z

its that time where everyone starts coming back around... maybe i'll be comin' back around too. ha well, its all in good fun and once september comes its back to the mundane but i'm goinna have my fun while it lasts. hells yea. life is for living and you only get one. so i'm gonna scream till my throats sore, i'm going to dance until my feet hurt, and i'm going to laugh until i'm out of breath. its been a lot of crazyness lately but i'm keeping it together. i feel like i'm going delerious from lack of sleep. i was back in philly for the first time yesterday. it felt kind of weird. i kno i don't belong there. i'm glad i left... i wish i had more fun while i was there. who cares tho, i'm having fun now. i'm starting to be a glass half full kinda girl lol. make the best of a bad situation sorta thing i'm such a dork. oh man....... need sleep

internet nothingness

2005-05-12T12:05:47Z

i kno i haven't updated in a while but i kind of tire w/ all these online things. i don't think anyone really reads them anyway.... regurally anyway. i like it b/c when everyones away and u cant keep in touch you can find out wuts going on in their lives and vice versa... but now that everyones starting to come home it seems kinda pointless. rar. i'm tottaly addicted to myspace its kind of sad. thats an awsum way to get in touch w/ people you can find anyone... its sort of scary. idk i'm thinking about just deleting that too tho b/c i don't like how all these people from my past can just pop up on it. for every old friend i've gotten in touch w/ over it there's another thats harassing me through it. ughhhhhhhhh. wut can u do. i've got to go to work sorry for the nothing ramblings. but i hope to see everyone soon. mwah. luv u alllllllllll

learning is overrated

2005-04-30T17:02:07Z

i'm so sick of fucking around. i really wanted to take classes this summer but i just got the summer catalog yesterday and they offer next to nothing in my major. it really sux. i still don't kno if i'm accepted either so i don't want to go and try to get into those few classes until i know for sure i'm going to go there next year. the thing is that i know if i don't register soon i kno i'm going to get shut out of my classes. its a catch 22, i'm really screwed either way. honestly at this point i'm kind of half-hoping i dont get accepted so my parents will let me do something crazy like move across country and go to art school. savanah probably still has my application on hold and even if they don't i kno i could get accepted there and its rolling admissions. a girl in my class was telling me about this school in cali FIDM and i looked it up online. Its a pretty good design school and most of the programs are like 9-12 months and they have housing... i dont know it sounds crazy but i could def use a change of scenery right now and i'd love to go somewhere warm. i really just want to go somewhere and tottaly emmerse myself in art and maybe get a part time job. being back home makes me feel like i'm still in highschool waiting for my life to begin and i don't want to wait anymore. i've been talking to the kids who go to FIT and a lot of them HATE it and i really don't kno how i feel about going there anymore. i definetly don't want to comute and keep living home with my parents but i have no money to get a place of my own. i'm kind of embarassed to admit to this but a big part of the reason i came home was for sam and in the back of my mind i thought we might move in together. obviously thats out of the question now... and i don't really feel like i have any ties here. all my friends are away or constantly busy. oh well, i guess time will tell. i'm just a big mess of anxiety right now trying to work it all out

blue_smurfette @ 2005-04-26T19:28:00

2005-04-26T23:52:20Z

ugh i feel totaly bummed out right now i feel like everyone's been blowing me off lately. i guess its just a busy time for everyone in school but its such a slow time for me. its so hard to keep in touch w/ everyone whos far away and i miss you all and want to visit but i'm trying to save up so i can get out of this town. ugh. i'm still waiting to hear back from fit which is so agonizing. i really want to take summer classes but i don't want to register for classes until i know for sure i'm going there in the fall. its just such a weird inbetween time... i have no idea what i'm going to do if i don't get into FIT. i mean i guess i'll apply to other schools but i have no idea where and its past so many dates.... i'm more bored than anything. i wish i could get a set schedule and take up a second job. i just want to be crazy busy and have no time to fuck around. i'm so sick of doing nothing and wasting away. i think the big part of the reason while i'm still with sam is b/c i'm bored. he's always around; its easy and its familiar. sometimes it's really nice and beautiful and i feel so in love. but then things happen like this whole hoopla with alley and nicki last week and i hate him and i hate myself for being w/ him for two years and think its all bullshit. i just sent another message to nicki today. we were bitching each other out over myspace and the last thing she sent me was such crap. she told me that i never have anything nice to say to her and i'm a bitch and i've always been a bitch to her. it was obviously bullshit and i felt it didn't warrant a response but then i was thinking about it today and getting really mad about it. like no i want the bitch to back it up. there were several times i tryed to get along w/ her and be her friend. i'm like hey was i being a bitch the times i invited you to my friends houses or was i being a bitch to you the times i invited you into my home was i being a bitch to you the time i took you out to the diner in the middle of the night was i being a bitch the time i drove you the hour home???? her response was like noooooo but you always say "really mean" things. oh no i say mean things?! like when you make fun of my clothes, the way i talk, my artwork, my lifestyle, or the disease i have... yea i have some REAL mean things to say. if i'm being nice to her she says i'm fake and if i'm nasty with her i'm a bitch. this girl is just ridiculous. she makes me so mad and i can't believe sam is so close to her. just the fact that he can be friends with someone like this upsets me. i kno i can't end up with someone who would want a person like this in their lives. ugh. i'm so sick of being in a relationship, there's so much thats gone sour. as much as i care about sam this shit isn't worth it. i dont want to be in the same room with that girl for the rest of my life and if i have to be again i think i just might spit in her ugly invert-face.

braindead

2005-04-19T22:44:55Z

i'm sooooo exhausted. after three days off going back to work really fucking sucked. at least atlantic city was chill. i thought it was going to be horrible as all family vacations are but i'm actually starting to get along w/ my parents. its kind of weird but i guess good. i can't believe i went to see lenny kravitz w/ my parents how bizzare. lol it was sort of funny..... rarrrrrrr. i miss everyone i hope you all come back soonnnnnnn

love is blind

2005-04-02T21:02:45Z

soooo i speant the past two nights at sam's apt and now i'm kind of back with him oppps. he asked me at a certain time when i couldn't really say no........ so yea. at this point it doesn't even really matter any more b/c we break up and get back together like every month. i really care about him and the bullshit label makes him happy so wut does it really matter? the only other kid i wanted to hook up w/ just blew it so its not like there's anything else going on i just HATE RELATIONSHIPS. ahhhhhhhh wut can you do? i'm in love or something like that lol. oh man.

unhappy carissa

2005-04-01T17:19:38Z

sooooooo i think i've been stood up. this has never happened before, i dont quite know how to handle it. i keep looking out my window and being like "u still no car now" five minutes later: "u and not now either" alana had a midterm today so i didn't end up going down to rutgers. i texted rob and told him that i wansn't going to be at the party and then this morning he texts me and he's like why weren't u at the party last night were u sick. so of course i'm like wtf? i told you i wasn't going to be there. so then he's like oh, okay do u want to see me now and i was just like wutever if you want to stop by for a few hours thats cool... but it looks like he's a no show. i feel like he's doing this to get back at me for last night but i don't want to play these games. if he doesn't show up soon or call groveling i'm done. he's not anything to me but a fine piece of ass. definetly not waiting around for... its not like i'm waiting by the door but you kno how it is when ur expecting someone to come over and you plan your day around them. like instead of doing my work for school i cleaned my room and junk... and now i'm just too sad and pathetic to be doing work. lol..... oh man

just chillin'

2005-03-27T16:47:37Z

easter is a nice holiday. its the one holiday i usually don't freak out about and get all overwhelmed. it was awsum to have melanie home for the weekend.... see her like every day hehe. it was actually cool to chill w/ sam too.... i don't know about that boy but i guess we'll seeee.

happyyyyyyyyy

2005-03-25T04:46:25Z

tonight melanie came home and we went out to the diner b/c its jerzey and thats wut we do... hehe. i love my friends and when they come home its nice. i'm really giddy. we're going shopping tomorrow and then to this coffee house thing. she wants to see sam and i don't really. lol. we'll prob just meet up w/ him at a diner or something... she wants him to buy her alcohol so we need some excuse to see him. i just am not in the mood... i want to spend time w/ my girls while they're home and do dumb girly things and have long talks about nothing but everything and he just doesn't fit w/ it. rar.

clingy carissa

2005-03-20T04:01:15Z

sam just left, he was over all day watching movies w/ me. it was what i needed really, a day just to lounge around and do absolutely nothing. i was supposed to spend another night in the city and meet up w/ rob but i really didn't feel up to it. i tottaly hope i see him again but all of these hook ups are getting to be really depressing. even sam. when he's here its all nice and chill and then he leaves and i don't kno wut to do w/ myself. its sad... i'm getting kind of pathetic

a life in the day

2005-03-15T05:35:11Z

i hung out w/ ben tonight for the first time in forever and a day. i thought it would be weird but it was really chill, i forgot how sweet he is. such genuinely nice people are rare, i almost want to be like are u for real? sometimes. lol... actually he's come a long way, he's more of a normal person now. i'm just not used to nice people. weird. anyway... i guess i don't have a whole lot to say, same shit going on as always. it's good to have people around for spring break to chill w/, even if it just is like diners every day it's nice. sam is starting to get on my nerves. he's really sick and thinks he has pnuenia or however the fuck you spell it but won't go to a doctor and keeps going to work and then keeps whining about how he's sick. ugh, i'm just not the caretaker type. i love him and i care about him, and if he asked me to do him a favor i'd do it in a second but i can't deal w/ the pity and the guilty trips. he's asking me if i still love him and care about him and i just don't kno wut to say... i mean of course i do and always will in some way, but it's not the same anymore. right now i'm really not about that and i don't really want to waste my time trying to figure out what we are and aren't or what he means to me. i'm just rollin' w/ it. i see him b/c i want to see him and if i suddenly don't.. then i won't anymore. wutever..... it's really all bullshit

mousy brown scared little girl next door

2005-03-09T00:38:36Z

i just dyed my hair.. i'm trying to find my natural color and i'm not quite there. my roots were really bad though and i had to do something about it. i don't know, it makes me feel boring... brown hair. blah. i guess i am pretty boring these days. over the weekend i spent the night w/ tammy and then went down to rutgers. i guess it was fun... it's always good to see old friends. its just so weird to come home and for no one to be around. except for sam, sam is ALWAYS around. lol. oh man. king kong is supposed to stop by friday morning. at least thats wut the plan is now, but i promised myself if i saw him again i would tell him and i haven't yet. i don't know, i might just blow him off. i'm feeling really pussy about it. i'm also getting my tattoo the night before and its on my hip so it'd probably be bad to... ya kno. i guess i'll see how i feel about it thursday. ugh i should just tell him, what's really the worst that could happen???

sometimes it's all about meeeeee

2005-03-04T17:25:27Z

i made an apointment last night to get my tatoo at shotsie's. it's going to be like $200 which is def steep, and much more than i'd like to pay but its a good, clean, reputable place. Last night i was like if i go into the city to get it done it'll be like a quarter of that but thats the kind of thing thats really sketch. i know a lot of people who got there's done in the village and they fucked up and it didn't look right or the in a few months the colors got really weird... like this is something thats going to be on my body the rest of my life. of course you can always go and get touch ups but who wants to go through that again, plus if you need to pay it to be redone then its going to cost just as much. so wutever... i need to do something for myself once in a while. after this i'm def going to open up a savings account and start to put at least every other check into savings. i need to take classes this summer and i need to move out in september. right now it's okay to fuck around and do nothing, but if i live like this for more than a few months i'm going to go crazy.

eMoTiOnAl carissa

2005-03-03T02:34:38Z

soooooo........ cute boy called me last night. i wasn't expecting him to. he said the reason he hasn't called me is b/c he's been sick, it seems like a lame excuse but i guess he has no reason to lie. i don't really give a fuck, its not like he has any obligation to me. it was actually really anoying when he was calling every day. i really like this boy but i don't think i could do the whole relationship thing again, especially so soon. i don't kno how long i can do the whole meaningless sex thing b/c after a certain amount of time those horrible feelings of attachment surface. it's weird tho, i still feel like i'm cheating on sam when i'm w/ someone else... like there's this little voice in the back of my head thats like "you shouldn't be doing this" and i'm like "shut up little voice i need to get laid!" sam was going to come w/ me tomorrow to get my tattoo b/c alana got hers w/out me. idk... i kind of feel like blowing him off but i don't feel like spending the night by myself and no one's around.... lol i know that sounds really dick but we're just so messy right now. i don't want to deal w/ it anymore. i also changed my hours so i didn't have to get up at the ass crack of dawn tomorrow but now i'm not getting out until six instead of originally three-thirty so it might be kind of hard for it to work out. wutever, i'm so full of shit. excuses excuses. i just want to have some fun and not have to feel guilty about it, and i kno the only way to do that is to distance myself from sam. talking to him every day and seeing him all the time makes it feel like it's something it's not anymore, something it can't be anymore.

work work work

2005-03-01T21:49:44Z

rarrrr.... so boerd of doing absolutely. the snow was a good excuse to go to work late tho but i really need to not do that. burger king used to always do that. they'd always ask me if i wanted to go home early or wutever and of course when your on your feet all night you want to leave as soon as possible but you don't realize wut a huge chunk it takes out of your check. i'm so bored lately. not like i don't have anything to do... just everything i have to do is hella boring.

randomness

2005-02-25T16:30:54Z

ughh... i feel so lazy today. i have to write a final copy of this paper for class tonight but our teacher told us that she was going to give us full credit on it no matter wut we did b/c its the first paper so its kind of like wuts the point. i can't believe this is college. it feels like 1st grade, u show up to class and do the work and it doesn't matter wut you do as long as you do it, and you do well. i don't kno why i'm complaining about it, i just feel really braindead right now and my only class being 6th grade english doesn't help. i wanted to see tammy or melanie this weekend but i can't get in touch w/ either of them. i miss my friends... grrrr. its nice to be in the city friday night so i can go out after, but if people aren't around then i'm on a train back home at ten. kinda sux. rar. i told sam i would spend the night at his apt tomorrow. lol, if i can get in touch w/ people i might not tho. i'd rather chill in ny. i'm kind of a bitch like that. sam's been really sweet lately but i have no intention of getting back together w/ him any time soon, so when other opportunities come up......

blahhh

2005-02-22T13:27:37Z

oh man today i went into work at 730 when i'm actually not supposed to be there until two so they made me leave and now i have to go back. i just can't keep all of these crazy hours straight. not only is every week completely different but then someone always wants to switch hours with you and its not like i ever have anything i have to do so i'll always do someone a favor b/c i kno one day i'll need it but it makes it extra confusing. idk... maybe i'm just a space cadet, but it just makes me insane to do this. my parents really dont want me to take that other job at Primerica and the more i think about it i kno they're right and that whole thing is mad sketch but i figure i don't really have a whole lot going on right now so why not? rarrrrrr. i was supposed to go to a thing for it at seven tonight but i guess thats not happening now. maybe for the best. i'm just so exhausted, but of course w/ all the caffine i had this morning to wake myself up i can't get back to sleep. wutever, its all good i just need to chilll.

Confused girl

2005-02-20T14:59:13Z

hmmm... so sam suprised me at the train station friday night. kinda cute.. kinda desperate. not really sure. wut can i do i love the kid. i stopped by his house saturday too. not for a long time, just a few hours. i really wanted to keep my distance and start backing away but ummm.. ugh idk. his phone broke or something so maybe there's still hope for that. either way i'm def not getting back together w/ him. whenever we're not "together" he's really sweet, all lovey and junk. i'm at this point in my life right now where i don't have much to lose, everything's just kind of at a standstill and i'm just trying to save some money and kill some time.... why not waste some time w/ him in the meanwhile???

naughty girl

2005-02-18T13:41:35Z

so that boy came over last night and all i have to say is DAMN! um... yea i'm a ho and kind of an asshole but i think that's okay right now b/c i had a really awsum.. um... time, yea time. old habits die hard, wut can i really say. i'm going to go stop by and see sam saturday too b/c i haven't seen him in a while and umm.. yea. i'm being really upfront w/ sam about it and he pretends not to care, but i guess wut else can he say? there's still a deep bond between us, even if we have too many issues to have a relationship i'd like to still see him but thats going to get pretty fucked up soon enough. i guess we'll see how it goes, i haven't decided if i'm going to see that kid again. honestly, i wasn't so upfront w/ him about current situations and i kno if i want to have anything at all w/ him again i have to come clean. i used to be able to hook up w/ people and completely detach myself from it but now... it just feels so different. i also have a concience now which is weird, i didn't know these were things i was capable of feeling towards men... compassion, guilt- whats next? oh man oh man

silly me

2005-02-17T01:26:22Z

rar...i wrote this whole thing before and i lost it. i guess it was dumb anyway. i feel so blah lately. i overslept today and was an hour late for work which isn't really like me but i guess it wasn't a big deal, they made more of an issue about the time i forgot to wish someone a good day... lol wutever i don't get these people. i'm def going to check out that job this weekend. there's only so more i could take of "would u like paper of plastic today?" i kind of invited cute boy to come over tomorrow night and i was thinking about backing out b/c i was feeling kinda weird about it but then i found out my parents are going to be gone tomorrow night and it just seems like the perfect opportunity. it's like a sign. lol. it's just that sam and i are such a fucking mess and i know we're not going to be on good terms again for a while. i need to have my fun in the meanwhile...

boys will be boys and girls just want to have fun

2005-02-15T15:07:44Z

so against my better judgement i gave sam a chance last night and heard him out...
i don't know wut i was expecting him to say, but he really didn't make a good case for himself. i'm so sick of name calling and arguing over who did this and who did that. it's so old and tiered. when i came back from philly we agreed we were going to work together on our relationship but that never really happened and now its crystal clear that it's not going to. i was really disgusted with the things he said to me. it's funny how he was trying to get me to stay w/ him and after i got off the phone w/ him i never wanted to speak to him again. i actually hung up on him, i just couldn't take the bullshit anymore. he acts like i should pity him on top of everything b/c he got locked out of his apt yesterday in the rain or some shit. boo hoo, go cry about it. then he's like "omg so many people asked me wut i was doing w/ u for valentine's day and i wanted to punch them" how does he think i feel that my boyfriend didn't even ask to see me on valentine's day? even before this whole fight he never mentioned it... i know i say i'm not into all that shit, and for the most part i'm not but-but-but yeah... i don't know every once in a while the dumb girl personae takes over. i'm kind of embarassed to say that last night i was secretely hoping he would be waiting for me when i got home. it's hard for me because even tho i've had a lot of relationships they were all based on sex. i was trying to change, but it looks like sam's not going to be the one to help me do it. he would rather spend time w/ an ugly lesbian and i guess i would rather have a lot of sex w/ anyone who's not him.

so of course wut do i do the second i get off the phone w/ him but call the hot boy from the frat party. he says he'll come up and visit me this thursday. i really think he's kind of boring, he just asks me lots of questions about myself and when i ask him things he doesn't really have a lot to say. then again i wouldn't say he's that boring b/c he was being crazy w/ me at the party last week but i def don't want to be in a relationship w/ him. he seems like he would be a good hook up or party friend but i have this feeling he's going to be a total cling on. it's really bad tho, i caught myself debating if i would have sex w/ him if he came up to see me and at the same time i was hoping he didn't call me again except to ask for directions. i have a feeling he's going to call me every fucking day tho... ugh. i'm always skeptical about people who are too eager. like that whole debt consolidation job with that woman who REALLY wants me to work there. it's not that i don't want to take the job, i just don't kno why she wants me to work for her sooooo badly and it's kind of the same thing w/ this boy. like he's a cute 22 yr old graduate student, i'm sure he could find someone a little closer to where he lives... but he's going to drive an hour up to see me on a thursday night? sketch.

straight up bitch

2005-02-13T03:50:31Z

So it looks like sam and i might be breaking up. We're having the same petty fight for the thousandth time but i'm not even upset about it. when you stop caring is when i think it's over. melanie invited him to come to the city w/ us today and i was really mad at him but wanted him to come anyway... i don't know why. i guess to punish him, i was really passive agressive all day. i feel bad cuz melanie doesn't come home too often and its not really fair to her to bring her into my shit... she was mad but i think she understands. old friends are good like that. well anyway he just randomly left. like melanie drove us in, and we're in central park and he just gets fed up and walks away. i have no idea how he got home, it was so bizzare becuz he's not the type of person to do that. he has absolutely no balls so i've gotta give him props with standing up for himself. it's gotten to the point tho where it's just ridiculous we have the same stupid three dilemas over and over again that can never be solved. its not even hurtful anymore, it's just become routine and disgusting. i see through all the bullshit, when he tries to feed me lies i know exactly what he's trying to do. it's just more anoying than anything at this point. i really am in love with him and it's so fucked up to break up with someone you're in love with but i just don't feel like it's a healthy relationship for either of us right now. it's just the best thing. rar i don't kno. probably by tomorrow everything will be back to normal knowing how these things go. i really just don't know wut to do anymore but i can't take this shit.

she works harddddddd for the money

2005-02-11T01:52:32Z

I'm so happy to have a few days i don't have work. i'm so fucking sick of this job already. rar. a customer today asked me if i liked my job and i'm like uhhh its alright... and then she's like are u open to new opportunities... and she has this crazy heavy accent and i'm having a horrible time understanding what she's saying. finally i figure out she's trying to offer me a job in finances. i told her i didn't kno anything about that shit and she said i could learn. i was just like wutever and gave her my number. even if she turns out to be tottaly nuts wut does it hurt to give her my number? lol... like i told her i'm open to "new opportunities". i guess u never kno. i want to stay at whole food for a little while at least. like the last three jobs i worked at i quit after two weeks. i really have to stop doing that. if this lady's not crazy tho i'd rather have some office job than be on my feet 8hrs a day. i guess i'll wait and see if she calls... oh man

feeling dumb

2005-02-08T02:12:11Z

work really isn't so bad but i hate how people talk to u like you're fucking stupid when they're the fucking stupid ones. so many people leave their shit behind and freak out, like your the one that didn't get ur stuff dude and then some things don't scan and you have to put them in by hand and people spaz out when you stop for like thirty seconds to put in the computer. it makes me insane, and they tell you wut it is like you don't have eyes. like oh its just a card, like i've never seen a card before. rar. i feel so mindless. going braindead... that boy did call today when i was food shopping and i'm like oh i need to get out to my car and he's like oh i'll call u back and he calls me back. he's really persistent. i'm really feeling him but i love sam. its so nice to be pursued tho, i want to tell this kid i have a b/f but i'm an asshole. i'm enjoying this way to much. this boy is finnnnneeeee. he's genuinely a nice kid too.. or at least i get that vibe. i don't kno things are so good w/ sam he's my boy.. but but but yeahhhh